They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
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I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”