I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
You Might Also Like
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
A French press is when you hug naked
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?