The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Sign at work today
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false