ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg