We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Dammit Chief not again
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”