While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
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I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.