Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
i wish we could shoplift online
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway