Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Alexa: *deep breath*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.