Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.