I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.