We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
This January has 47 Mondays
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood