Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
The first one, obviously
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!