[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
based al yankovic
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Seems legit
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
smartest karate player in the world
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer