did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Discuss
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Nice try, poison.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.