People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?