very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
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I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
eggs benadryl
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.