The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You Might Also Like
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Lmao
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid