they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.