Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
this is the news I live for
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”