I put the p in pants.
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Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
at ease…shoulder.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Breaking news:
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed