My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
fired
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023