Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
oppen heimer style lol
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Ain’t no way
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?