Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
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Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office