ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
the battle rages on
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.