Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.