When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
You Might Also Like
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.