I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
You Might Also Like
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.