My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Oh my God.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty