Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
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So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.