You Might Also Like
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕