“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
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I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Raisins are grape jerky.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.