My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
(Electricians.)
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
My life in a nutshell
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?