I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
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Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.