Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed