*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
You Might Also Like
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT