[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥