The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
any last words?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.