It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
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No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that