robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Who does Amazon think I am?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
the noise i just made
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.