It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
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Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?