Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
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Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.