Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.