The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
same bro
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I drew y’all a little something.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.