Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
what are they serving at kfc then???
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”