Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time