Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
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“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
john wicks are toilet candles
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
What?!?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on