Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
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My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
me hooking up with my ex
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on