Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
You Might Also Like
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Do not levitate over flowers
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September