I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
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oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts