I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I just tested negative for patience.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED